Jessica

Gettin My Shit Together..

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 21:27:43 GMT

Well I've been back in school for a couple weeks and although it isn't the first place I want to be, I'm beginning to like it. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my future and my happiness. I know that life isn't always going to be perfect, there are going to be some things, a lot of things actually, that are just out of my control. But there are a few things that I think could make my life better that need to be changed.

I went to see Randy this week.. I'm really glad that I got to see him, but now coming home it hits me even more how separate our lives our now. How DIFFERENT everything is now. It fucking sucks. I understand that there is nothing I can do to go back to that night and change it, but I would give anything if I could. He looked good and he was laughing and stuff. I mean he seemed happy. As he told Theresa " You have to make a life out of it." Well he is stronger than me because I would never be able to do that.

Rich once again has decided he isn't talking to me anymore. And I think this is the time that I'll just let it be. I'm not going to fight with someone to stay with me, to accept me. You want to be with me or you don't. I refuse to change for anyone and that's just the way it is. I've said this a million times before and now I realize that if anyone is ever going to take me seriously, it's time to stick by my word.

I went over to my dad's house last night and he is talking about moving to Ohio with some girl. I was kind of jealous I have to say because me and my sisters have always been the most important thing to him. He would have never even thought about leaving before. Oh well.. I guess if it is going to make him happy then more power to him.

Well that's all I have to say for now.

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 12:37:07 GMT

I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I always said I wanted to live my life with no regrets and it seems like thats all I have left. Maybe it's just a phase.. but DAMN.. it's fucking hard as hell. I hate my life seriously anything that ever fucking mattered is gone. EVERYTHING. And I know everyones goin to think I'm talkin about the shit with Rich, and although that is a big part of it, it's not NEARLY all of it. I hope my luck changes soon, I don't know how much more I can take.

Lonely, Cuz don't anyone know me, But everybody just feels like they can relate...

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 19:27:00 GMT

http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/JAGGED-EDGE/Goodbye.html

I found the song that describes my situation PERFECTLY. So there it is.. I have to get ready for the day though.. I'm sick of sittin around n doin nothing.. PRETTY SHITTY..

Never be afraid
of how things are going to turn out in the end.
Be afraid
of the decisions you make when
Everything
turns out the way you didn't want it to

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 06:00:58 GMT

We At War With Terrorism, Racism, But Most Of All... We At War With Ourselves

I've been thinking about a lot of shit lately... I don't know if it's because I'm getting older so everything just hits me harder, or if it's because of Kanye's "Family Business" Lol, or just because I'm pms'ing.. Whatever the reason I feel like I should be doing more with myself. I mean, I'm going back to school and everything, but that's not enough.

Megan is still living with my aunt and uncle, and even though she's doing really good out there I still feel like it puts a huge strain on our relationship. I mean don't get me wrong, I love her to death and we're still really close, but we we're finally startin to get on good terms before she left. It just sucks. I love her though man.. She's the WHIP.

I've been hanging out with Rikki alot lately. I really found something in her that I needed at this point in my life. I love all my girls regardless of whether or not we hang out anymore, but with her it's different. I know I can tell her ANYTHING and not have to worry about gettin in an argument and having all my shit put on the table. That's something you don't really find often, especially at this age.

Me and Rich broke up awhile ago and even though I know it's for the best, it doesn't make it any easier. We did fight a lot, and even though he might think differently, we did have a lot of good times. No matter what happens, he was my first love so I'll always care about him. Even if it is just as friends. We were just at two different points in our lives.. There was no avoiding the way things turned out. It just sucks that he wants to be so quick to point fingers when realistically it isn't anyones fault.

I got a letter from Randy today. I miss him so much. I love hearin from him, but it brings back all these old memories. It's hard when you know that that's all they'll ever be.. that you have to move on and put everything in the past. I understand that there was wrongdoing and that he's paying for that now.. I don't want anyone to think that I'm making excuses for that, but there are still so many unanswered questions. I just hope everything works out the way it should.

Well that's really all there is to say for now. So I'm gonna go...

Randoahki Is The Whip

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 06:16:43 GMT

Awwwwww Shit! Randi Did It AGAIINNNN! She designed this BEAUTIFUL journal for me, all Kanyed Out.. And since I'm not a hoe.. I'll give her the shout out she deserves.. Rikki tells me that since I am always with her anyway there's no point in a journal.. But I SAY.. Whateva. And what I say always goes.

Today was Randi's birthday. Me & Rikki didn't even get her anything.. our broke asses. I mean, we planned on it, but then we got sidetracked. She'll get a late gift though. lol Our day consisted of pretty much driving to the mall, then driving home.. We did that about four times. We bought paint for my room and came home then played Karaoke Revolution with her family. That was the whip man.

Rikki started writing Randy THROUGH ME.. and I mean, I know that I sometimes slack on writing him back and all, but COME ON I'm supposed to be one of the kids BEST FRIENDS.. and he wrote Rikki back before me! That's FUCKED UP! Oh well though. I get to start visiting him on the 21st, and regardless of what people think about me still keeping in touch, keep your comments to your damn self cuz that's my nigga fo life. REGARDLESS.

Well... time for bed. I'm going back to school on the 18th and my sleeping schedule is really fucked up.. I have no clue how I'm gonna get up at 6 in the morning when school starts.. Better start now.